In my previous blog, I stated:
“We are here to learn how to love, and more importantly, how to be loved.”
That to me, is the meaning of life.
Today I hope to convey a way for people to begin the work to know – not believe – but know that they can be loved and are loved. Let’s start with looking at what the end goal looks like, and then work our way back to the pathway entry. What does it mean to know that you are worthy of being loved and are loved?
At the end of this road is a way of being that contains love and gratitude for that which is around us. It is at this place where we love – family, friends (human and animal), natural beauty where we see it, music and food we enjoy. We live this way with ease because it is without effort. The more you have to try to be happy and find love, the more you fail. Knowing you are loved becomes your nature.
Those who feel the presence of The Divine live constantly in that state. What makes The Divine so present is living in gratitude. We are grateful for what we have, and we know that is much more important than the disappointment of what we don’t have.
What makes it possible to have such gratitude? The answer has to do with the experience of suffering, and the relief that comes with knowing such suffering is in the past. It’s a little like hitting yourself on the head with a wooden mallet and it feels so good when you stop.
I’m not trying to be glib here. As discussed in the previous blog, we live in a world that never stops telling us we are not good enough. We are held to a truly unattainable standard, and that makes no sense. Accepting this nonsense really is the same thing as hitting yourself on the head with a mallet.
Let’s assume that at this time, you’re not in that end state of happiness, serenity and feeling totally worthy of being loved. You feel that important things are missing and are unhappy. This is the place where you can choose happiness. You do this by accepting that those things you want are not there to be had. You then ask yourself the question:
“How can I be happy with the things that I have?”
Then you make a plan on how to enjoy what it is you do have and be grateful for it.
This may sound unrealistic or glib. But that is exactly how I found peace for myself. My own personal history as a young man is a horror story. By age 37 I had not found love and every attempt to do so ended in failure. The details are at least a three beer conversation and beyond the scope of this blog. What I did was to ask this question, make a plan to have a lifetime of living solo and enjoy my life as it was. This freed me to do things I enjoyed by myself, knowing I was the only one who had to be pleased. It was liberating. I chose to be happy with what I had.
Various spiritual teachings will tell you that desire leads to unhappiness when it is not fulfilled. Why want something I clearly wasn’t ever going to have? This is suffering, and the way out for me was to give up that specific desire. That worked for me.
It’s one thing to end personal suffering by giving up desire, but what about self-esteem? How did I come to the ability to love myself? Though I saw myself as flawed, I also knew that I wanted to live in kindness and compassion, and that was enough to give me some self-respect. We instinctively love newborns of every kind, human, canine, feline, etc. Why can’t I give the same respect and compassion to myself as I do a kitten? Loving oneself isn’t admiration. It is acceptance, respect and compassion for yourself.
To truly walk the spiritual path is to take full responsibility for your relationship with The Divine, God or The Great Mystery. This also includes taking full responsibility for the standards you live by and the values you hold. It’s a package deal. The other side of the coin of freedom is responsibility.
By taking responsibility for yourself, you’ve set up your own standards and values to live by. This is the major fork in the road. What does it look like to come to this place where you’ve taken full ownership of all the things you’ve said, done and the choices you’ve made?
This path doesn’t mean that you can just ignore the morals and values of society, say that you make your own rules, go out an rob banks, run ponzi schemes and ruin the lives of others. We have to live in harmony with the world around us. All of our choices have consequences. So the values and standards you hold for yourself have to be sensible, and you have to own them.
Just as you stop the pain by no longer hitting yourself with a mallet, you begin to deal with the feelings of unworthiness by no longer accepting the judgments put upon you by the rest of the world. This doesn’t mean you can just go do whatever you feel like. Instead of living under the judgments of the world, you have to live under your own judgments.
The first thing is to take inventory of the truly bad choices you’ve made. Who have you harmed or acted badly towards in the past? You have to do what it takes to make that right. Steps 8 and 9 of the Alcoholics Anonymous program are making a list of wrongs done to others and making amends. Those who have been wronged have to be reached out to. That part of the past must be healed.
This includes making amends to yourself. Hawaiian spirituality has a healing practice called “Ho’oponopono” which begins with saying “I’m sorry.” Not just to others but also to yourself. It asks forgiveness from others, but more importantly, from yourself.
Everyone starts out life experiencing both love and rejection. Our life experience starts out in infancy with being told, “No,” when we wanted something we should or could not have. This is true for everyone, from the greatest sages and the worst criminals in society. Because we start out life misbelieving that we are offenders, the path of self-worth begins with taking responsibility, asking forgiveness and saying with all your heart, “I’m sorry.”
To summarize, the path to self-worth is as follows:
Choose to take full ownership of the standards and values you will live by.
Take responsibility for your history. Make an inventory of all those things you’ve done and said, choices you’ve made and actions you’ve taken which have harmed others, or do not live up to your standards, as opposed to what the world about you says.
Make amends to others and to yourself. Say with all your heart, that you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness, both from others and especially yourself. Take full ownership of all you have done, as well as that which you chose not to do.
Choose to live in harmony with what you have and the world about you. Live in gratitude.
Love fully all of those you choose to, beginning with having compassion for yourself.
Obviously this path is not as easy or straightforward as this formula suggests. And of course, it can also be seen as part of the world telling you that you’re not good enough because you haven’t walked fully through these steps.
There is a place and way of being that is love and gratitude for all that is around us. It is a place of complete trust and truth because those are the things that take us to that place. This happiness and joy are there to be had and are real. Please make that choice.
I write my blog for those who prefer to find and know spirituality on their own terms, without the demands from any religion. I write because I feel called to speak equally to both the heart and the mind, because neither love nor rationality has to supplant the other. If what I write speaks to you, please subscribe to my blog, which will always be without charge.
Thanks Russ. Lovely article, and truly is about walking our own path and taking responsibility for all we create. Even if we follow an inner master we still have to take the steps ourselves and do the work, as all they can do is show us the way. It's a work in progress for me, yet the goal is well worth it from my eyes.... Thanks again, and have pledged and willing to support the blog if and when it is seen as necessary.